everyone is single if you try hard enough
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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