I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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