I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
