this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
