Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize