my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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