Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
