My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
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Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Blood and glitter go together right?
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They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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