I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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