Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
