WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
