someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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