I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
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You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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