I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
