fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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