i may or may not be watching the land before time
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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