If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
