Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
