I've blown a few things in my day
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize