you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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