You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
