Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
