Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
