I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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