I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
