Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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