That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
