I want to stick my p in your. b.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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