even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
