matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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