Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
