I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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