Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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