Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
