making cat noises will not fix the situation.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
