he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
