i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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