I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
