My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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