Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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