My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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