I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Shame - the story of my life.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
