i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
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Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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