Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
