that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
