well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
