Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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