Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
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My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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