There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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