Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
