woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
