nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
